ghosts

Hey, folks – Max Bedroom here.

It’s odd that the first two Radical Life Lessons are about ghosts, but here we are. You might be thinking that I should have spread out the ghost lessons, but for all you know they’re all about ghosts. You’ll just have to stay tuned to find out.

Since the dawn of time, ghosts have been committing crimes. They hide your car keys so that you’re late for work. They mess with the lights. On, off, on, off. They whisper in your ear such soothing phrases as “Get out” and “Die.” Oops, that was my first wife, not ghosts. And, according to her lawyer/boyfriend, those aren’t actually crimes.

What kinds of crimes do ghosts commit? They push people in front of cars, buses, and trains. They damage property. They moan a lot. Maybe that’s not a crime, but it should be. The point I want to make here is if a ghost steals your wallet, your car, or your first wife, don’t tell anyone. Don’t go to the police; they’re already busy with human and animal crimes. Don’t tell your family and friends; they don’t care. Don’t tell your insurance company; they aren’t paying out that claim. And certainly don’t tell your first wife; she’ll use it as an excuse to get more money out of you.

Just keep quiet and move on…preferably to a place with fewer ghosts and no ex-wives.

Hey, folks – Max Bedroom here.

I hate life hacks. Use egg cartons to store Christmas ornaments. Use a coffee can to store the ashes of deceased friends and relatives (and enemies). Use your wife’s toothbrush to clean the bathtub. You know what I’m talking about. It’s just people who think they’re smarter than the rest of us giving advice that no one will follow.

To counter this slew of DIY dum-dums, I’m introducing Max’s Radical Life Lessons. These are practical things that you can start doing today to make your life better. No frills. No leftover household items. Just sound advice that will help you on your journey.

Here’s the first Radical Life Lesson:

I’ve seen too many movies where a family buys a house that was way too cheap and soon realizes it’s haunted. Instead of just getting the hell out of there, they try to ignore what’s happening, call in some experts from the local university, and then eventually find religion and bring in a priest. While this is happening, members of the family are being tormented and tortured by the entities in the house. Stop. I don’t care about your down payment. I don’t care about your mortgage or the monthly payments. I don’t care that you’ve moved to the country to make a fresh start for you and your family. And I certainly don’t care about the first draft of your novel. Stop.

If you suspect that your house is haunted, then move. Don’t discuss it. Don’t try to get rid of the ghost. They never really go away. Just move. Move, move, move!