Radical Life Lessons

Max’s Radical Life Lesson #3

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People are always telling me how to eat my food. Dad says to flip the toast upside down before eating it so that the jam is right on my tongue. Gross! He claims it helps you taste it better. Mom is always telling me I have to finish my vegetables before I can have dessert. Sometimes, all I want is dessert, but it’s my parents’s house so I guess it’s their rules. They’re getting pretty old, though, so sometimes I roll my veggies up in a napkin and stuff them down the kitchen sink. Then, it’s pie time.

Unwanted and unnecessary food advice goes well beyond the confines of the home that I hope to someday inherit from my parents if Tom Selleck’s mustache doesn’t convince them to reverse mortgage it. People want to not only tell you what to eat, but how to eat it, and even how to open it. Which brings me to today’s radical life lesson:

A poorly drawn banana and monkey. The text reads "Just peel your bananas from the top like the rest of us."
What, you’ve never seen a monkey with the word ‘monkey’ written across its chest? How else would you know what it is?

There are people out there who would have you believe you should peel bananas from the bottom. I’ve actually heard people say this. They claim it’s somehow better, like the banana tastes differently based on how you peel it. To those people I say, “There’s a tab at the top that’s perfect for peeling.” Who put the tab there? God? Charles Darwin? Mister Rogers? That robot girl from Small Wonder? Who am I to say? What I can say is that sometimes the easy, obvious way is the best way.

Did Sir Edmund Hillary dig a tunnel through Everest to get to the summit? No, that Kiwi took the easy way up on the outside. Did the Fall Guy choose just one dangerous career so that he could focus on his craft and limit the danger in his life? No, he’s a stuntman and a bounty hunter. I guess that one doesn’t really fit the point I’m trying to make here. Did Mr. Drummond open his cans of beans from the bottom? No, he had Mrs. Garrett open them from the top like the rest of us.

My point here is that people are idiots. They want to believe that they know something other people don’t. That’s why conspiracy theories and cults are so popular. Speaking of which, starting a cult in my parents’ basement could be a good way to make some extra cash. Are you feeling lost? Hopeless? Does your significant other peel bananas from the bottom? If so, then send me some money and you’re in.

Until next time, remember you can’t spell Commodore without commode.

Max’s Radical Life Lesson #2

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Hey, folks – Max Bedroom here.

A pink ghosts points at a man with his hands up.
Don’t feel sorry for this guy. He’s a misogynist who is embarrassed that his victimizing ghost is pink.

It’s odd that the first two Radical Life Lessons are about ghosts, but here we are. You might be thinking that I should have spread out the ghost lessons, but for all you know they’re all about ghosts. You’ll just have to stay tuned to find out.

Since the dawn of time, ghosts have been committing crimes. They hide your car keys so that you’re late for work. They mess with the lights. On, off, on, off. They whisper in your ear such soothing phrases as “Get out” and “Die.” Oops, that was my first wife, not ghosts. And, according to her lawyer/boyfriend, those aren’t actually crimes.

What kinds of crimes do ghosts commit? They push people in front of cars, buses, and trains. They damage property. They moan a lot. Maybe that’s not a crime, but it should be. The point I want to make here is if a ghost steals your wallet, your car, or your first wife, don’t tell anyone. Don’t go to the police; they’re already busy with human and animal crimes. Don’t tell your family and friends; they don’t care. Don’t tell your insurance company; they aren’t paying out that claim. And certainly don’t tell your first wife; she’ll use it as an excuse to get more money out of you.

Just keep quiet and move on…preferably to a place with fewer ghosts and no ex-wives.

Max’s Radical Life Lesson #1

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Hey, folks – Max Bedroom here.

I hate life hacks. Use egg cartons to store Christmas ornaments. Use a coffee can to store the ashes of deceased friends and relatives (and enemies). Use your wife’s toothbrush to clean the bathtub. You know what I’m talking about. It’s just people who think they’re smarter than the rest of us giving advice that no one will follow.

To counter this slew of DIY dum-dums, I’m introducing Max’s Radical Life Lessons. These are practical things that you can start doing today to make your life better. No frills. No leftover household items. Just sound advice that will help you on your journey.

Here’s the first Radical Life Lesson:

A blue ghost smiles as it watches a blank television.
The ghost is happy because the TV is turned off and so it doesn’t have to suffer through the mind-numbing crap on TV these days.

I’ve seen too many movies where a family buys a house that was way too cheap and soon realizes it’s haunted. Instead of just getting the hell out of there, they try to ignore what’s happening, call in some experts from the local university, and then eventually find religion and bring in a priest. While this is happening, members of the family are being tormented and tortured by the entities in the house. Stop. I don’t care about your down payment. I don’t care about your mortgage or the monthly payments. I don’t care that you’ve moved to the country to make a fresh start for you and your family. And I certainly don’t care about the first draft of your novel. Stop.

If you suspect that your house is haunted, then move. Don’t discuss it. Don’t try to get rid of the ghost. They never really go away. Just move. Move, move, move!