Hey, folks – Max Bedroom here.
It’s a new year, which means you’re probably banging your head against the wall trying to think of ways to improve yourself without putting in too much effort. Step away from that wall, friend, and have a seat. Uncle Max is here with a fresh set of resolutions to inspire you as we start this new year of possibilities.
- Stop procrastinating
Since this post is going out well after the start of the new year, I’m already behind on this one. I find I do good work right before a deadline and my best work well after it, which makes this resolution unnecessary. My new resolution is fewer resolutions, so this one is toast.
- Watch as many VHS tapes as possible
This one is easy. The wi-fi signal down here in the basement is so weak it’s no good for streaming, so it’s up to my CRT and VHS tapes to keep me entertained. Now I just need to figure out how to get season 1 of Pluribus on VHS.
- Lose one pound
Success will be weighing one pound less than I do now when I step on the scale on December 31st. All of these people talking about losing five, ten, or even 20 pounds need to pull the cord to let the bus driver know they want to get off right here in Shangri-La. Just give me one pound, Billy Shakespeare. For you metric folks, that’s about half a kilo. I bet you know all about that, you deviants.
- Do no yard work all year
My parents long ago gave up on asking me to do anything around the house. They just sigh and groan as they take out the trash and wash the dishes, like I’m going to take the hint and offer up my services. No thanks. The worst of this is yard work. In the summer, Mom mows and Dad trims. My goal is to be either out of the house or hidden in a secret location within the house when they’re out in the yard so that they can’t passively ask for my help. All I need to do is find a hidden room or secret passage. Does anyone have Indiana Jones’ number? If not, then I’ll just have to pretend I’m a statue…again.
- Make friends with a person with a mullet
I recently heard someone say, “That’s a beautiful mullet” and I thought That’s redundant. You don’t have to explain to me that mullets are beautiful. If I had enough hair, I would grow one myself. Just picture me with a Kentucky Waterfall. Think of me frolicking through the high grass with a Soccer Rocker. Picture me, all business in the front and party in the back. Let that image burn itself into your brain like the griddle marks on a Whopper.
Back in my late 30s I once said, in regards to meeting new people, “If you’re cool, then I already know you.” I believed it then and I believe it now, but I’m open to the possibility of adding an asterisk so that I can *add a friend with a mullet.
- Save money by not going out to eat one time
I know I’m not going to change my habits to save money. It’s just not in my nature. What I think I can do, however, is not go out to eat one time when I’ve decided that’s what I’ll do. Sorry, Taco Bell.
How about you? What are your resolutions for 2026? Oh yeah? That’s interesting. Really? Yeah, you can do that. Totally. You’ll be a whole new person in 12 short months.
Now that we’re on this journey together, here’s what I would like you to do. Take little slips of paper and write down your resolutions. It works best if you use slips of paper of various colors, especially bright ones. Put the slips of paper in a paper bag. Are you still with me? I sure hope so, friend. Next I want you to roll up the paper bag and smoke it, because you must be smoking something to think you’re going to change. Just be happy being you, my friend. And stop smoking rolled up paper bags. They’re terrible for your lungs.
How about we just resolve to remember the 80s this year? That’s what I plan to do in future posts…if I can stop procrastinating. Until next time, make sure your hair is big and your dreams are bigger.